Dating Games Men Play (Love in 90 Days, chapter 3)

HOT OFF THE PRESSES !! A short excerpt from the brand new Chapter (“Dating Games Men Play”) in the new paperback book . . . Love in 90 Days

16 Deadly Dating Patterns You Need to Know Now
By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. © 2010

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
~Sam Keen[i]

Have you ever wondered…

How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why hasn’t he texted? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Why doesn’t he make a move? Why did he put his profile back up? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on with him? Is it him or is it me?

Ah, men. Mystifying men.

And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, roses, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, funny dates, a perfect little heart necklace, delicious kisses and more?

Fortunately, I’ve logged many therapy hours listening to men as they’ve opened up and explored their deepest needs and fears. Those private moments have given me a unique window into understanding guys’ dating games and issues. And in this chapter, I will take you behind the scenes and share those intimacies with you.

The good news is that they, like us, usually really do want true love, and down deep they realize that they’d be happier, more content and more sexually satisfied if they had a good relationship. The bad news is they are also scared, and they push real intimacy or commitment away. Men fear being overwhelmed and taken over in an all-consuming coupleship. Believe it or not, they also fear rejection and abandonment. And all these fears play out in a variety of ways. Men play out unconscious and conscious games which create a maddening push-pull with your heart. That’s why dating them can be so confusing and frustrating.

Guy’s fears of being vulnerable, of being loved and loving, lead them to enact their dating games or more precisely what I call Men’s Deadly Dating Patterns (MDDPs). Like us, they have habitual ways of sabotaging themselves when it comes to romance and love. Unfortunately, men often follow these same self-destructive dead-end patterns over and over again, sinking possibilities of love into the netherworld in the process.

Understanding guys’ Deadly Dating Patterns is crucial not only to your success in creating the love you want, but also to your own self-esteem and happiness. When you learn to clearly see who you are dealing with and understand his patterns, you can free yourself from second-guessing about what you did wrong whenever a relationship falls apart. You will be able to let go of thoughts like, “I should have told him how much I enjoyed the comedy club he picked out and that I would love to go again! That’s why he’s not calling.” or “My thighs are so big and I wore that clingy dress. That’s what turned him off!” or “He broke it off because I am too (old, needy, successful, have kids, fat…fill in the blank).” When we don’t understand our partner’s Deadly Dating Patterns and things blow up, it is ultra easy to go into knee-jerk negative self-blame: “It ended because of something I said or did, or something I didn’t say or do.”

Understanding the MDDPs can liberate us from these self-blaming thoughts. Instead we can more easily say – and understand – that, “It is not just about me. It’s about him and his issues.” We can view relationships in a more balanced way, examining more objectively who did what to whom.

In order to have this kind of emotional freedom in dating it is important to be like an anthropologist in the world of men–to study them and understand their unique qualities and attributes. You need to suspend judgment about what a man ought to be like. We expect a lot based on fairy tales, romantic movies and the media: the all-perfect prince is supposed to come along and sweep us away to the magic kingdom of love. But real life is not a fairy tale or a movie. There are no perfect guys. Of course, you also need to examine your own Deadly Dating Patterns (see Chapter 2) and be on top of them. Understanding yourself is critical for your own growth. But beyond that, I want you to clearly see men’s struggles.

Sometimes a guy is so entrenched in his dating game issues that he would act the same way with most any woman. He is caught in a behavioral loop, an unconscious program he is totally unaware of, that is running in his mind. Chances are he will play out the same scenario with the next six women he dates. If he is truly caught in his own Deadly Dating loop, there is nothing you can do to change this. Not even you can succeed —I know what you were just thinking!

You want the guys who are healthier, more normal. There are guys who never had to struggle with Deadly Dating Patterns and they make great partners. There are also thoughtful guys who are aware of their self-sabotaging patterns. They may joke about them or talk about how they have progressed and learned about women or dating. These are the guys who can fall for you in a lasting way. They are the ones who are willing to grow, have the basics, and are crazy about you (see Chapter 4).

The bestselling book, Love in 90 Days, is the basis of a PBS Special on love & is out in paperback with a new chapter, Dating Games Men Play (& what to do about them!). Available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Borders and other book stores & on sale with up to 25% off for a limited time only. So get your copy ASAP. For the first 500 who buy the book I have $100 in Bonus Gifts (Click Here) !